The Peril of Palutena

*Warning. Some Kid Icaurs Uprising character spoilers ahoy. This is your one and only warning.*


      "Time to move out!" Pit exclaimed as the heavenly doors opened for him to soar right on through. Immediately he was gliding over the fluffy, orange tinted clouds of Skyworld with the wind ruffling his spiky brown hair and pure white angel wings. The power of flight kept him airborne as he was quickly surrounded by a swarm of Monoeyes, who wasted no time in firing a stream of painful purple energy orbs at him.

     Pit raised his bow and returned fire on his enemies, not wasting any opportunity to further increase his high score. "So what's the plan Lady Palutena?" he asked as he air dodged a stream of enemy attacks.

     Back in her temple in Skyworld, Lady Palutena used her powers as the Goddess of Light to communicate directly with the captain of her centurion guards, while maintaining his power of flight and controlling his flight path. "Hades has made his latest move. His troops have invaded Skyworld itself!" she informed him, watching Pit's battle from afar.

      "Man, that guy doesn't give up does he?" Pit remarked as Palutena's words were relayed directly into his consciousness. "Why can't he make things easier for me for a change?"

      "Well it wouldn't be much of an adventure if the bad guy made things easy for you," Palutena told him, noticing how highly strung Pit was this morning and finding herself unable to resist having a little fun with him.

     Pit grunted as an attack hit him, causing his health to diminish. Replying with a charged shot he replied, "I know, I know. I just get a little tired of being constantly killed all the time."

     "Being repeatedly killed and resurrected is a fantastic exercise in character building," Palutena teased. "That and learning a musical instrument."

   Changing the subject Pit asked her, "So is this, like, a hidden chapter that's just been unlocked or something?"

    "Hardly. Now our games been released it's inevitable that fan fictions starring us would be written. Though if you're lucky a fangirl will write herself into the story and you'll get yourself a girlfriend."

     "But I already have a girlfriend, you know, the girl I met on holiday," Pit said as he activated his special attack, ridding the entire area of all the monster flying at him.

     "You always meet your girlfriends on holiday don't you Pit?" Palutena remarked, smiling to herself knowingly. "I'd like to meet one of them someday."  

      Pit felt his throat dry up and couldn't get his words out. But he was spared the embarrassment of continuing this conversation when a different voice spoke in his head. Dark, menacing and yet positively upbeat it crowed, "Good morning killjoys!"

      "Hades!" Pit growled, recognising the insufferable smugness that characterised the Lord of the Underworld.

     "So how are we going to do things today?" Hades continued. "Carry on as normal and watch Pitty Pat here battle away while we make smart aleck comments at his expense?"

     "It's served us well so far," said Palutena.

      "Well I always get restless when following the same routine day in day out," Hades sighed. "So I hope you don't mind me luring you into my trap to spice things up."

    "How's that different? You're always luring me into traps," said Pit.

    "I wasn't talking about you. Tell me Pretty Palutena, do you know what sort of fanfic this is?"

    Palutena hesitated before replying. "Well I guessed it would be a hastily written one filled with plot holes and punctuation errors...hold on, what's that noise?"

    Pit had heard it too, a distant explosion transmitted into his brain via Palutena's psychic link to him. He also heard Hades start to laugh, before he replied happily, "I'm afraid it's going to be a very different sort of fanfic!"

     "Oh my, Underworld troops are invading my temple!" Palutena exclaimed in alarm. There was the sound of another bang, after which she cried, "They're in my chamber. Don't you dare come any closer! As Goddess of Light I command you to retreat!"

     "Palutena," Pit cried, as another swarm of enemies flew at him from their hiding spot underneath the clouds. Firing wildly he desperately wanted to return to her temple, but Palutena was controlling his flight path, and she was too preoccupied fending off the intruders inside her chamber. Pit could hear the goddess summoning powerful magic attacks, and the gurgling cries of minions as she fought them back. But he could tell just by listening in on her struggles that she was outnumbered and outgunned.

     "Get back I say! You have no right to be...Get  off of me, let go of my arm. Don't you dare rip this tunic, I got it on sale at TK Maximus...No no let go of my feet you'll make me faaaaaalllll!"

     Pit heard maniacal laughter from the dark god of the Underworld as Palutena was overwhelmed by his troops. "Oh if only you could see the plight of your pretty little goddess Pit my lad," he guffawed. "Well best give the audience what they want. Troops, truss her up good and proper!"

     "No! Leave her alone!" Pit demanded, distracted enough for multiple enemies to score direct hits and make his health bar drop even further.

    There was a strange ripping sound as Palutena grunted angrily. "You have no right to do this! How dare you bind my hands. And don't even think of tying my feet...oh you are so dead when this game gets a sequel!"

     After a frantic melee with a Komayto Pit yelled, "Lady Palutena, I'm coming to rescue you!"

     "Don't Pit, they're using me as bait to trap you. You must go ahead and finsssssss hhdddsssss mmmmm!"

     "Oh that's better!" Hades chortled over Palutena's now muffled cries. "I was getting tired of hearing little-miss-know-it-all's voice."

    "I don't understand. What kind of foul tool of the underworld is strong enough to restrain a goddess as powerful as Lady Palutena?" wondered Pit.

     Gleefully Hades replied, "Duct tape; truly the tool of a thousand uses!"

     "Yeah well laugh it up while you can, because I'm going to rescue Palutena from your clutches, and then I'll make you pay for all the evil you have done!" His defiant speech done with, Pit finished off the last remaining enemy with a charge shot, and began gliding at top speed, banking above the clouds in a sharp about turn.

     But Hades didn't seem too scared. "One teensy problem. Now Palutena is currently tied up with other things, who is in control of your flight path?"

     "I...er...well...?" Pit stammered nervously.

     Hades laughed manically. "Looks like you're in for a rough landing Pitty Pat!"

      And then, right on cue, Pit's power of flight ran out. His five minutes of flying time had expired and he couldn't maintain it using just his own wings. The shining aura around his wings dissipated and instantly he began to fall. "Aaaaaaahhhhh! Emergency, emergency, going down!" he cried as he fell, his body spinning around as he was buffeted by the freezing north winds.

     "PPPPTTTTT. NNNNMMMM!" Palutena cried, only able to watch as her loyal soldier plummeted to the earth.

     "This can't be the end! I have so many more monsters to slay. And I never saw Venice!" Pit yelled as he fell into the clouds. But as he was enveloped by the misty water vapour he didn't see how he could survive. Was this to be yet another game over for him?

     But out of nowhere someone grabbed him, wrapping their muscled arms around his torso. Then he began to ascend, rising through the clouds until they broke through into the bright Skyworld sunshine. Pit shifted against his saviours grip, looking about to see the flying deity who had rescued him.

    "Hahahahahahahaha fear not citizen. Pyrrhon is on hand to save you from whatever nastiness that may have befallen you!"

    Pit could barely believe it, recognising the red coloured body with flames flickering from his shoulders and hair. "You mean you're Pyrrhon, God of the Sun?" Pit wheezed.

      "Truly you speak. I know, I know, doesn't my magnificence take your breath away?" Pyrrhon boomed as he took Pit for an exuberant loop the loop.

    "Actually it's how hot you are."

     "Thanks for noticing. I guess it's the new aftershave I've been using!"

     "No I mean you're literally really hot. You're deep frying my tunic! Ow ow ow," Pit yelped, his clothing smouldering where Pyrrhon was holding him tightly. Not sure how much more of Pyrrhons fiery touch his skin could handle he said, "Just drop me off at the Skyworld Temple. I have to save Lady Palutena!"

    Pyrrhon stopped performing his excitable stunts and hovered above the clouds. He looked at the angel he held in his arms with his emerald green eyes shining in anticipation. "Oho, a white knight on his way to save a distressed damsel. I like your moxie kid. Pyrrhon will assist you in this noble task. Together we shall undistressify this damsel and vanquish the forces of evil. Pyrrhon away!"

     Then with a sudden burst of speed Pyrrhon charged forward, leaving a trail of red hot flames in his wake. Pit felt the G-forces rippling his cheeks as he travelled faster than he had done before. "Aaaaaahhhh. But Skyworld is the other waaaaaaayyyy!" He cried out desperately.

    "Sorry, I can't hear you over all the awesome!" Pyrrhon cackled manically.



       "Aaaaah nothing like some hot spring related R & R," Pit sighed as he slid gratefully into the hot spring, healing his wounds and mending his clothes. "Now to rescue Palutena."

     "Avert your haste civilian! Pyrrhon senses danger!" the sun god exclaimed dramatically from where he was hovering overhead. Soon he was surrounded by the flashing attacks of the Underworld forces, using all their power in an attempt to drive him away. Yet Pyrrhon laughed off their assault, telling Pit, "You go on ahead. These villains need a lesson in hot, fiery justice!" Then he flew out of Pit's sight, though the sky lit up orange following each of his attacks, preceded by Pyrrhon bellowing in excitement, "Kaboom, Kablam, Kablooy and Kaboom again!"

     "Well, sure can't accuse him of being boring," Pit told himself as he hoisted himself out of the hot spring.

     "Talking to yourself now? Are you really that lost without Palutena guiding your every move?"

     "I'm not rising to the bait Hades," Pit muttered as he dashed his way into Skyworld.

      "Oh but I do enjoy our banter sessions, particularly when Pretty Palutena joins in. Though she's finding it a bit difficult to say anything right now. Isn't that so dear?"

       "NNNNHHHNNNDDD MMMMGGG HDDDSSS!"

      "Don't worry Palutena I'm on my way!" Pit cried in response to the sound of her muffled voice in his head. He darted through the massive stone archway that led onto a long cobbled bridge, linking one of the floating islands of Skyworld to another. He kept his bow drawn, ready for any kind of attack. But no attack came. Normally the streets would be bustling with centurions and other heavenly residents, but there was no-one else around. Hoping there wouldn't suddenly be a difficulty spike up ahead, Pit followed the bridge that led him right to the outside of Palutena's Temple.

    It was the biggest structure in Skyworld by far, a set of one hundred steps leading to a colossal stone building held up by pillars ten feet thick. On the roof was a gigantic statue of the goddess, holding her staff of light as she overlooked the entireity of her domain. In front of the entrance was a circular courtyard, into which Pit ran before he yelled into the darkening skies, "OK then Hades, time to let Palutena go!"

    "Unfortunate choice of words there Pitty Pat. Letting her go would only do her more harm than good."

     Pit was about to demand what he meant, when he heard a cry of "PPPPPPTTTT GGGGTTTT WWWWYYYY!" He hadn't heard these words in his head, rather it sounded like they'd come from above him. Slowly Pit raised his eyes up to the giant statue of Palutena, only to find himself gazing on the real deal.

    Palutena was dangling from the tip of the statues staff, held there by golden chains wrapped around her torso and wound about the stonework. She was further bound by silvery strips wrapped around her feet and legs and also fixing her hands behind her back. More of this substance had been pulled over her lips, preventing her from moving them apart and limiting her speaking abilities. Pit presumed this was the mysterious and magical duct tape of which Hades had spoken. The strong wind made her flowing white tunic and long green hair whip about her bound form, while she wriggled against her bonds trying to alert Pit to their enemy's nefarious scheme.  

    "Hang on Lady Palutena!" Pit yelled at the helpless goddess.

    "Do you even realise what you're saying half the time?" Hades asked. "But how exactly will you reach her, given you're an angel that can't fly without divine intervention?"

     "I'll figure something out!" Pit yelled in determination, not wanting to let either Palutena or Hades know that in reality he didn't have a clue what to do.

     Hades found the situation deeply amusing. "Don't stress out. Pull up a seat, grab some popcorn and enjoy the view. Palutena's certainly providing some excellent entertainment."

      "TTTHHHSSS SSSSNNNNTTT FFFNNNN HHHDDDSSS!" Palutena exclaimed through her silvery gag, swinging back and forth from the momentum of her struggles.

     Pit scanned the area for anything that might help him. Usually at a moment like this a conveniently placed treasure box would appear providing him with the tool needed to progress, and after a quick bit of exploration he found this conveniently placed treasure box. It contained a jump pad, a glowing green mat that when jumped on propelled you high into the air. It wasn't an ideal crash mat, but Pit realised it would have to do, and positioned this mat right underneath where Palutena was swinging.

     Pit then prepared to take a shot with his bow, readying an arrow and aiming at the golden chain suspending the goddess. "Don't worry Lady Palutena, I've had this whole game and Smash Bros Brawl to perfect my archery skills!" Pit yelled as he adjusted his aim to accommodate the swirling wind.

    Yet Hades continued to do his best to put him off, chattering away inside Pit's head, "Why what a clichéd situation we have here: the damsel in distress and the dashing hero coming to her rescue. In fact, all this scene needs to complete it is a fearsome monster that the hero must battle!"

     After saying these words the entrance to Palutena's temple was engulfed by roaring flames, forcing Pit to shield his eyes and step back. It was a good job he did, as suddenly a massive explosion ripped it apart, sending stonework flying and toppling over stone columns. Palutena cried out as the shockwaves made her swing about more violently, but her fear only increased when she looked down and saw a massive, two headed dog with a body of pure flame prowling the arena at her feet.

     "Twinbellows!" Pit exclaimed, recognising the hell hound from the opening level.

     "Specially resurrected just for you!" Hades drawled. "Come on Twinbellows, come on, play fetch with the nice angel, preferably using him as the squeaky chew toy!"

     Palutena squealed as the heat rose from the beasts flaming body, making her sweat and cough into her gag. She could only helplessly mewl while wriggling her shoulders and legs, making the golden chain suspending her rattle as she tugged on it. She could barel;y bring herself to watch as the snarling Twinbellows prowled forward, waiting for its moment to turn Pit into a doggy treat.

     "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fear not citizen. Pyrrhon has placed the call of justice on speed dial!"

     "Get out of here!" Pit yelled at the sun god who was now floating over the roof of the temple, a few feet away from Palutena.

     "Pyrrhon does not abandon those who require his assistance. Watch now as I send this hound of hell back to...well hell I guess! KABLABOOMY!"  Pyrrhon then sent a raging jet of flame at the beast pacing the courtyard. Twinbellows gave a howl as even more flame engulfed its form, but it was not a cry of pain. Instead it sounded like the beast was enjoying itself.

     "Aww Twinbellows loves being showered in a raging inferno," Hades cooed happily. "Why not give him a scratch behind the ear to really make him like you."

     Pyrrhon's confidence evaporated, unable to comprehend why his attacks had not destroyed the beast. After clearing his throat he eventually said, "Don't worry, I have a second, equally effective plan. And that is to let Pit here deal with this beast on his own. I think he's ready to face such a momentous challenge."

     "Hey wait!" Pit yelled.

      "Ddddddnnntt lllvvvvvv!"Palutena pleaded.

      But Pyrrhons mind was made up. Giving Pit a military salute he boomed, "Best of luck to you citizen," Before Palutena heard him mutter under his breath, "Because you're going to need it." Then he shot upwards into the deep blue sky, leaving a blazing trail of combusted air behind him.

      "So what if I'm on my own!" Pit yelled defiantly. "I've defeated Twinbellows before, I can do it again!"

     Twinbellows snarled at him, drips of red hot magma falling from its mouths like the saliva of a rabid dog. With a blood curdling howl it breathed a jet of white hot flame at Pit, who just managed to dive out the way and fire off a charged shot as he dodged. Pit fired off a volley of arrows, trying to continuously lower the boss's hit points. With an angry roar Twinbellows charged forward, and this time Pit could not get out the way fast enough. The monster hit him with the full force of its body, knocking Pit back and taking a vast chunk out of his health bar.

     "PPPPPPPPTTTT!" Palutena screamed, flexing her bound legs and hands as she watched her angel jump back to his feet. She wanted to warn him of Twinbellows attack pattern, and to tell him to stick to ranged attacks. But with this tape over her lips all her advice was intelligible. Pit would have to figure out how to beat it on his own, while the rising hot air emitted by Twinbellows kept her rotating in mid air, making her feel like a rotisserie chicken.

      Pit fired off another volley, and began to feel frustrated at how little damage he was causing. He wished he'd picked a more powerful weapon before setting out. Twinbellows growled, scraping its clawed feet against the stone floor as it built power for another charge. Pit eyed the devilish creature down, steeling himself for one last attack himself. "Come on boy, time to teach you how to play dead!" Pit yelled.

    Then with an almighty roar from both its heads Twinbellows charged at Pit like a bull bearing down on a matador. Palutena watched on wide eyed as Pit failed to move. But then at the last minute Pit spread his wings and gave an almighty flap. They might not be strong enough to sustain him in flight, but they could provide him a jump powerful enough to leap right over the charging monster. He twisted about in mid air with his bow pulled taught, then fired a charged shot of pure concentrated energy. He scored a direct hit, at which a bright flash dazzled him and Palutena. He managed to land on his feet as Twinbellows roared in agony, its fiery skin increasing in intensity until its body was completely consumed with flame. Then with one final howl, and another bright flash, the hell hounds body crumbled into pieces and became nothing more than a pile of ash.

      Silence fell over Skyworld, the only sound being that of the whistling wind. This silence was ultimately broken by Hades speaking sulkily, "Well that was anti-climatic."

      Suddenly feeling flushed with victory Pit struck a suitably enthusiastic victory pose while shouting, "Hoo ya! That's how to be a knight in shining armour!"

     "Mmmmm ssssttttlll ppppp hhhrrrr!"

     "...Oh right, let me get you down Lady Palutena."

    Whatever relief Palutena had felt following the demise of Twinbellows quickly disappeared when she saw Pit readjust the positioning of the jump pad. Grunting frantically she shook her head at him as Pit readied another arrow and aimed it above her head. She didn't see the arrow leave his bow due to how her eyes were tightly closed, but heard the golden chains suspending her shatter as he scored a direct hit, after which she began plummeting to the ground.

    The first part if Pit's plan worked perfectly. Palutena landed directly onto the jump pad which safely broke her fall. But what Pit had failed to take into account was how the jump pad then bounced her back up into the air like she had landed on a trampoline. He watched on aghast as a squealing Palutena soared gracefully through the air. Her trajectory placed her on a direct collision course with a conveniently placed wagon filled to bursting with ripe eggplants. Pit winced as the mighty goddess of light landed in the pile of purple vegetables with a mighty squelch.

     "The judges give Pit ten out of ten for style but -100 for execution," Hades remarked, guffawing happily at Palutena's misfortune.  

     "Lady Palutena, Lady Palutena, are you alright?" Pit cried as he darted over to the wagon and helped hoist the still bound goddess out of it. Her pale skin, green hair and white tunic were completely covered in purple stains and chunks of eggplant. She glared angrily at Pit while he peeled the tape away from her lips.

     "That does it Pit. You're paying to have this tunic dry cleaned!" she barked as an eggplant chunk dribbled down from her golden diadem.

    "I...but...what I...?" Pit flustered, completely taken in by her angry reaction. But then her eye twitched, then her lips began to curl upwards, before she finally exploded into a giggling fit.

     "I'm joking Pit!" she laughed happily. "Gullible as you are sometimes, I could never be angry at you for coming to my rescue. Besides, you should know all my tunics are machine washable."

     "Oh it's such a relief," Pit exclaimed as he cut away the tape binding Palutena's hands. "...That you're safe I mean; not that I have to pay for your dry cleaning."

     "All hail the conquering hero," boomed Hades mocking voice in their heads.

     Now finally free from all her bindings Palutena stood rose to her feet and shouted into the air defiantly, "You've overstepped the line this time Hades. You've left us no choice but to put an end to your nefarious schemes."

     "Oh goodie, I was getting bored of making nefarious schemes with no-one to oppose me," Hades guffawed. "See you on the flipside do-gooders." And with that he mercifully fell silent.

     With the dark clouds clearing and the orange sun beginning to set over the damaged Temple, Pit and Palutena walked side by side inside as they began planning their assault on the Underworld. "One thing puzzles me Lady Palutena," Pit pondered aloud. "Well Viridi has been really quiet recently hasn't she?"

     Palutena tilted her head to one side as she tried to think when they had last received communication from the Goddess of Nature. "You're right, it's not like her to keep quiet for so long," she remarked.

     "Mmmmggg ttttddd pppp ttttmmmm."

    "Ssh, did you hear something," Pit said, sure he had heard a muted sound in his mind.

     "Mmmmpppphhh ttttrrrrmmm hhhhmmmm nnnnnmmm!"

    Palutena had also heard it. "Viridi, is that you?" she asked quizzically.

     "You don't suppose Hades got to her too?" suggested Pit.

      "YYYYMMMMM LLLLLLLL BRRRRRRRTTT LLLLLLLL GGGGGMMMMM YYYYYNNNN FFFFFRRR TTTSSSS CCCCCCCMMMM RRRRSSSS MMMMMM NNNNNN BBBBFFFFFRRRR YYYYYYYNNN RRRGGGGGTTTT TTTTT!"

    "She sounds pretty mad," Palutena grinned at her angel captain. "But I suppose it's only fair we rescue her too."

    "I dunno, I kinda prefer her when she can't say anything," Pit replied, the sound of Viridi's muffled tirade reverberating in his ears.